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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Hard not to take this personally
they should invent a rest for the wicked
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies