quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
live, laugh, laundry.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet