Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
You Might Also Like
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.