“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Who knew!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”