[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
You Might Also Like
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible