[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You Might Also Like
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
gentlemen, hear me out
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.