*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Why am I like this?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.