“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
They got Raph!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”