[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.