If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.