you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.