the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email