me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
No laws when master is gone
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook