I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*pronounces fake like saké*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.