Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.