It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.