What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”