Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.