Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.