7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.