My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*