maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
#ProTip
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Whoa 😂
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”