Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
twitter is a journey
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”