before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi