kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.