Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
what’s the point then??
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶