iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
got so much cardio in today
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec