Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?