“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m sorry…what?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.