All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
had to make it
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag