I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting