My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?