If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.