Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.