Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
RT if you know someone like this!!!
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭