There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
me as a parent
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now