Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*