He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.