FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Ferrari squats
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Trying
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.