Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You Might Also Like
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.