[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.