My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer