If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I have questions??
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE