This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man