Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*