Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Adultry does not sound fun at all
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.