Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You Might Also Like
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I am a gravy boat captain
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning