In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks