I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Cndnsd Mlk
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open