I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
when u come home smelling like another dog
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.